Welcome to my BLOG - EZAL Unfiltered! As many already know, the name EZAL (pronounced easel) is for my children Elijah Zhayne & Ayziah Lourdes. The blog name pretty much says it all, but in short this blog is a deep love letter to myself which I am going to share with the world. It is going to be fully transparent. I am letting you into my story, the good and the bad. All the feelings I have felt, lessons I have learned & lessons I have yet to learn. It feels really incredible yet scary as sh*t! But I made a promise to myself that I was going to make this happen, so here I am. Sharing my raw truth with you is a huge leap out of my comfort zone, like the world’s greatest long jumper kinda leap.
Alright, so with that being said, let’s jump right into my very first blog post! I decided my first post will be about self discovery. A very brief part of it though because it’s a whole damn story. By the way, for full disclosure, my mouth can get a little f*ckin’ saucy. Sooooo, if you can’t handle the way I express my thoughts, then this blog is not for you. Respectfully!
WHO AM I? Seems like an easy question to answer right? Well it is far from easy for me. Have you truly asked yourself this question? Do you really know who you are? Truthfully, I am still finding myself and my purpose in this world. I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression a few years ago and started seeing a therapist. Let me tell you, it’s been a wild ride. It’s been an eye opening experience which has helped me immensely. But, boy oh boy, finding myself has been exhausting and hard as f*cks. This is how one of our very first conversations went:
Therapist: Who is Sam?
Me: Ummm…let’s see…I am raising a son with special needs, I work full time in the corporate environment and also run a small business.
Therapist: Ok, but who is Sam?
Me: (confused) I just told you!
Therapist: You told me your circumstances, but you didn’t tell me who you are.
Me: (still confused) Ummm…..(crickets)
This one simple question f*cked me up! Literally kept me up night after night. My mind was boggled. I realised I had no idea who I truly was and for the entirety of my adult life I failed to make myself a priority. Then to make matters worse, guess what she had the audacity to say to me? She said “you bury yourself into your responsibilities to avoid facing yourself”. Like hold up, what the f*ck was she talking about? This was the stupidest thing I had ever heard and was actually questioning her credentials as a therapist at that point. So let me get this straight, she was really saying that I purposely keep myself busy, overworked and overwhelmed to distract myself from my thoughts? That is absolutely ridiculous!!! But then what happened next was even more ridiculous. This b*tch (ME) actually sat in her thoughts and realised little miss therapist was right, she was absolutely on point with her theory (rolling eyes). Calling this revelation a hard pill to swallow would be an understatement. It was some life changing sh*t OK!
Fast forward to 6 months later and I was referred to a psychiatrist because my therapist suspected something else was going on and sure enough there was. I was diagnosed with ADHD! "No way" was my reaction! I don't have that! I am not fidgety! I do not climb the walls! I am not physically hyper! Sh*t, if anything, I have no energy whatsoever most days. Just no way I have that! BUT everything I “thought” I knew about ADHD was just the stigmatised version and not at all the full picture. It is so much more complex than I ever imagined.
I was mind blown when I learned the different ways ADHD presents itself, specifically in females. It was like a detailed description of my life. It was so bizarre and I was speechless. I just kept nodding my head at the doctor to affirm I was understanding. Even though it made perfect sense, I was still in disbelief. I had so many questions. How could I have been displaying these signs since childhood yet it never raised any red flags? How could I have gone through these exact evaluations with my son, yet never noticed I was experiencing these symptoms? Even though I was in complete confusion, I somehow felt relieved at the same time. Was it possible this was the reason for so many of my struggles? The reason I felt at fault for pretty much everything? Maybe I am not broken after all? Could this finally be an explanation for why I have always felt different?
The fact of the matter is that being diagnosed later in life absolutely had a negative impact on my life, but it was up to me now to seek the help I needed and deserved. I have since decided to embrace my diagnosis and be exactly who I am, quirks and all. The struggle is real though! I feel intense emotions, I am the queen of self sabotage, I doubt myself, I see things in black & white (there is no in between), my focus is everywhere, I have a hyperactive mind that never sleeps, I am a gratification junkie that wants instant results, my memory is sh*t and I have a motor mouth. The crazy thing is this is just the tip of the iceberg! I will definitely be taking a deeper dive into my diagnosis of anxiety, depression & ADHD because there is so much to unpack.
As hard as it may be, the self discovery process is a MUST! I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to find yourself, your true self. It’s not going to be easy nor will change happen overnight, but it’s going to be so worth it. I promise you. Note to self: Let this message sink in Sammy, cause your stubborn ass needs to be constantly reminded! Like I said, the struggle is real.
Okay…phew…I’m doing it! I am really doing it! I am actually sharing my story! THANK YOU for reading my first blog post and I hope you enjoyed it. I would love to hear your thoughts, so please comment or send me a message! Speak to you soon xo
BE YOU, xoxo
Sam Aguiar with EZAL Unfiltered
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